Sometimes, you just dont get it

Sometimes you wake up in the morning, and you look in the mirror. You dont hate the person in the mirror, but youre certainly not happy. Your eyebrows are too close together, your shoulders are super narrow, or you just plain prefer boy clothes.

Those are just things people pick on you for. None of those things are actually whats wrong with the mirror. Yet, you dont know what those things are, just that its not those things. It kind of eats away at you day by day. You wake up, look in the mirror, ‘something feels off’, then you get called “ma’am” at work by someone who could only see you from behind. You wake up, look in the mirror, ‘something feels off’, then your girlfriend does your makeup and you felt more confident and attractive than without the makeup, but was too embarrassed for not “being manly” to admit it. You wake up, look in the mirror ‘something feels off’, then you throw some Billie Eilish on, and all the boys look at you funny.

In hindsight, everything is 20/20

Nothing makes sense. Day by day, you get more uneasy. The feeling in your stomach telling you something isnt right just wont go away. The reflection in the mirror growing more and more strange. You try to imagine your own reflection a few hours later and cant. All you can imagine is some distortion of reality. A reality that you dont exist in. The person you are does exist, you just have never seen their face, which doesnt make sense considering you look in the mirror every morning.

Your perspective is distorted. Youre depressed. You seek help.

Maybe your friends can help

Maybe youre not crazy. ‘Youve always been bad with faces…’ Yeah, thats it! Youre bad at faces! So, you reach out to your friends. ‘Hey, i feel this kinda way’. Everyone around you simply doesnt get it. They look at you funny, and make jokes about having dementia, or being schizophrenic. I mean… You dont blame them, honestly. It hurts, yes, but to you, your friends are ‘normal’. If theyve never felt that way before, that must mean something is wrong with you!

Youre not happy with that outcome, though, so you keep talking to your friends, trying to understand how you feel. Nothing works.

Therapy! Yes! My friends arent giving me what i need, so surely a therapist will! Oh… the therapist only cares about the “family dynamic”, and thinks that if we solve “home problems” your life will magically improve.
New therapist. This one agrees with your friends. Thinks this might be something like early onset schizophrenia. Youre not hearing voices, you dont hallucinate. You just dont remember what you look like. You cant figure out why youre uneasy in your own skin.

“Fuck the church, the church is a scam, heres 95 reasons why” said Martin Luther
/ref

That lost feeling has never felt more real

“Everyone around me is feeding me lies” you think. Nobody gets you. Nobody relates to your problems. You take refuge online. You adopt an alias, and put on an act of confidence to the point of egoism. You force yourself into manly spaces, but you never befriend any of them. They always talked about stuff you didnt care about. Like sportsball, or cars. You have friends that, as far as youre concerned, are typical “Dude-Bros”.

You finally think you get it. Its not them not relating to you.

You dont relate to them. You feel lost, in your own circle. Nobody really cares about your nerd hobbies, they just dont wanna be rude by telling you to shut up. Nobody really likes having you around, cus youre always hearing about parties you werent invited to, hangouts that happened after you left, or the obvious vibe change if you walked in the door.

You feel like you cant even talk to those you care about the most. Your best friends. Youre not sure if its your fault, or if its just a product of people growing older and maturing. People around you say its not your fault, but you cant help but feel like it is. You cant help but feel like youre pushing people away. “No, it must be them.”, you think. “Im not rude, im honest”, your rebuttal to the subconscious mind.

“Im not a bad person” you quietly weep into the silence of your cell in juvenile detention.

An awakening

After your time in juvy, after getting out of rehab, after going home to the freshly divorced house. Your dad isnt around anymore, your mom is depressed. Youre still lost. Rehab didnt help you with this. It gave you tools for controlling your anger, but at no point were you ever able to actually address the feelings in your body.

Your best friend offered to watch the new Bo Burnham special, Inside. You love Bo, so of COURSE you said yes! She warned you that it can be a little heavy. You said you were okay with that.

You were crying half way through “White Womans Instagram”, at the line about her dead mom.

“Momma i love you give a hug and kiss to dad”

And it didnt get better. “How The World Works” made you mad at the world, and humanity. “Look Whos Inside Again” reminded you that youre trapped in the void that is your mind. The abyss of questions and feelings you cant begin to comprehend.

Then… “That Funny Feeling” came on. You werent sure what to expect. A fake campfire, and acoustic guitar. Hell, you even giggled at “In honour of the revolution, its half off at the GAP”. Two bars later, you hear “There it is, again, that funny feeling.”. YOU feel that feeling. YOU feel funny. Uneasy. Theres one line from that song that hit you like a truck, and didnt help.

Total disassociation, fully out your mind. Googling derealization, and hating what you find

Like a noose you felt your throat get tight. You related to that. You understood. You felt seen. All youve done for years is disassociate until the problem went away. That was the problem! Youre trying to defend yourself from uncomfortable situations. That Funny Feeling instantly became your favourite song of the year. You felt the feeling.

A spiral into madness

You felt disolusioned by the current political climate. You prefer republicans over democrats. Youre pro life, not pro choice. You define women by their ovaries and their chromosomes. There were some things you didnt agree with. Like, you think gay people are okay. They just wanna love who they wanna love. You think immigration is important to maintain. Meanwhile, you also believe private property is theft. Youre conflicted. You drown yourself in Ben Shapiro debates, and call people slurs online, because in that circle your words have power. People relate to you. You may be quirky, but at least youre not a democrat.

This got so extreme some of your close friends start distancing themselves. Your egoism boils over, and your best friend cuts you off. Your rock. Your everything. Gone. For two years you felt alone. You felt lost. But, you knew what you had to do. Its time to get better. Not for her, or your mom, but for yourself. You spent two years changing, and getting better, until eventually she noticed. She added you back. She started texting you again. Things are good.

She sends you a text, and said text is her telling me shes never been closer to suicide before, and that she feels thats the only option she has. You do your best. You remind her people care about her, and all the usual. A few weeks later, shes visibly happier. Youre not sure why, but youre happy for her. Youre anxious, cus usually when a suicidal person gets abnormally happy, it means theyve decided theyre going to kill themselves. They put up walls, and fake a smile.

“Please dont” you think to yourself every morning when you wake up, hoping she answers your texts. Until one day, she breaks the news to you. “Im trans, its she/her now” she says. That.. that rocked you to the core. Yesterday you were arguing trans politics with your conservative friends, calling them creeps, and mentally ill. Today, your best friend is telling you theyre in that group.

You dont wanna lose your best friend, so you start challenging biases. You start asking questions, and doing research. Many answers often either opened more questions, or left you questioning your own life experiences. Some questions you didnt like the answer to.

Some questions… you related to the answer a little too much… and that made you feel comfortable.

Im trans too.

After a few weeks of back and fourth, you asked your friend for her resources. You felt like you might be questioning your gender. You were excited reading through the first few articles, because it seemed like you were finally getting the answer to the ‘something feels off’ you felt throughout highschool. Gender Dysphoria.

The more you read, the more you felt validated. The more you read, the more you felt seen. As you read the articles, you actually started to feel dysphoric. The way the author was talking about these topics was so raw, you felt as though they were happening to you in the moment. That dysphoria was validating. It meant you found your answer!

“well maybe im nonbinary, or just gay”.

You are presented a button. This button is all powerful. The button presented, when pressed, instantly changes you to the opposite sex. The button changes all aspects of your life, and memories such that everyone has only ever known ‘opposite sex you’. You are the same person, with the same friends, same job, same life, but the opposite sex.

Would you press the button?

“In a fucking heartbeat” your mouth answers faster than your brain. Youre shocked by your own words. you hadnt even thought about it, yet had an answer so confident.

You tell your friend. You tell your girlfriend. They both love you. Theyre tied for #1 supporters. You pick out a name , and it works. You decide on pronouns, and style.

This is it. The moment you never got. Your moment. The moment you finally take control over your life. The day the real you was born. That moment when your girlfriend called you your name for the first time , and said the right pronouns. How naturally it all came out of her mouth. How surreal it felt. Almost instantly youre hit with euphoria.

The process

Most of your friends dont understand, but still choose to talk to you. Most of them are obviously building walls between you two, but you dont mind. Youre making new friends. Trans friends. Friends that only ever knew you by your name. Friends that dont make bigoted jokes about it. Friends you can relate to!

Something still feels off. Youre happy, but you dont feel like you. You feel like an imposter. Like someone living someone elses life. You feel like you havent changed anything other than your name. So you change your vocabulary. Start using ‘c:’ instead of ’(:’, saying stuff like ‘oki’ instead of ‘okay’. You strip male centric pronouns form your vocabulary like ‘dude’, ‘bro’, ‘guys’. Still doesnt feel right. You buy new clothes, new makeup. You find a style. You dye your hair a crazy colour. Youve been on HRT for 1 year at this point, and you noticed youre able to remember the person in the mirror! Slowly but surely, that blurry face with a mustache, is turning into a beautiful young lady reliving the childhood she never got.

But.. thats not enough! Two years later, and you feel uneasy. Still.

The shadow in the corner

You just got kicked out of your girlfriends grandmothers house over some transphobic bullshit. Youre on your way to the bus stop. You dont know where youre going. In a heated panic, you call the only girl you know your girlfriend wont freak out over you living with, and she lets you in. You move in with her, and all is good, with a few strings.

You didnt battle all your biases. To you, furries are zoophilic creeps who get off to having sex in animal costumes. And you just moved in with an open furry, who does furry art. Youre trans, and you like talking about it, so you share! You spill your story for her. You tell her everything. You even make jokes about her being trans, but not knowing it. You follow the joke up with “no no no wait, you cant tell someone theyre trans. if you tell them theyre trans, they might become more combatative towards the concept, and be more apprehensive towards the topic”.

You and her got into a furry conversation, she called you a furry, and you freaked the fuck out. “im not! im not!” you plead. “Im not trans. im 100% sure about that”, you said 3 years ago. “Oh wait, im not supposed to tell you youre a furry, cus that will make you apprehensive”, she says in a pseudo mocking tone. That shit hit. You think about it more and more. You sit in with her while she draws her art. She asks for feedback. She explains more about furry/therian culture. She answers all your questions. Some questions you dont like the answer to.

You get this… almost comfortable feeling. You suddenly feel comfortable in the abyss. Last time you were in the abyss, you got happier. You came out. Youre Taylor now. And you know how to go about this. You ask yourself questions this time. Questions like ‘why not?’. Eventually, you crack. You text your roommate. “Hey, are you in a drawing mood later this week?”, and she just wants to know what shes drawing. You beat around the bush for a while, until you finally go ‘you texted roomie about this for a reason. Tell her why.’, and tell her.

Shes hype. Youve come out to her as a furry, and shes elated. Okay, cool. Expected, but still feels good. You and her go back and fourth on what shit means, and what not, until the convo eventually comes back to drawing. Being a furry for approx 1 hour, you have no clue what goes into making a ‘sona. You have a picture of her in your head already, but you cant draw. Your roomie needs to see what you see. She tells you her plan: take references, general design ideas, and a colour palette. From there, she will draw up a few different poses, versions, and stuff, until you see yourself in one of the pictures. You gave her some references, she cooked up a sketch that you were happy with, but didnt recognize her as you. You give her your critiques, update the reference sheet, and back to cooking she goes.

Eventually, she finds it. Eventually she draws you. You open your phone, and see what was in your head, but on your screen. Youre elated. Not only are you elated, the unease fades. fast. you hit that euphoria moment again, where your smile was too big to talk. Your brain was too busy short circuiting to even say thank you.

You found it. You found you. After years of repressed trauma, conflicting emotions, lots of blood, and lots of tears, you did it. You found the answers. The face that was incomplete, now has mouse ears. The body you hated, now has boobs and a tail. The actions that caused people to call you a furry, are now standard behaviour.

The Now Now

Today, you live the best life you can. You take your medications, you take care of your health. You go to the gym. Youre surrounded by fever-dream level friends that accept who you are unapologetically. You walked into starbucks and the girl behind the counter already has your drink made for you. Youre walking through the ladies section at walmart, and arent uncomfortable. You get cat called by men when youre walking home from work. You feel lowk threatened by big strong men. You get called “ma’am” by randoms at the store. Those same randoms no longer go ‘oh! sir, sorry. thought you were a woman’ and make you wanna paint a canvas Kurt Cobain style.

Youre happy. Youre surrounded by people who love you.

Youre unapologetically you.

And i love you for that <3

Author’s Comments

Dont change for other people. Change because you want to. If you stop cutting yourself for your boyfriend, the moment yall argue, youre just gonna start cutting again. Most of the time, its a petty ‘okay fuck you, im gonna go back to hurting myself if you wanna act like this’. If you stop for yourself, theres a much bigger hurdle to jump over. No longer is it a weapon you can use against other people to manipulate them, instead you are forced to come to terms with why you want to do that, on your own.

Unapologetically be yourself, no matter what. (unless your saftey is at risk). DO NOT sit in the closet because you dont wanna ‘lose’ stuff. The longer you stay in the closet, the more time you wasted, and the more upset you will be with yourself in the future. If you dont need to boymode, dont! If you know everyone youre talking to is chill, dress up! be pretty! Even if you dont know! Be you! Fuck what other people have to say. You could be the literal perfect human being. Literally perfect. SOMEONE will hate on you just for the sake of being a hater.

Communication Communication Communication. Talk to your loved ones. Tell them when you dont feel okay. Reach out before you do something stupid to yourself. Reach out to your friends. Ask if theyre okay. See how theyre doing. Remind them youre a safespace. Open the walls to their problems. Dont let the time go by.